4. Play Wii without using the wrist strap
Or, master the art of gripping. Even newborn babies can do it.
5. Attack the weak point for massive damage
Look for the big red/yellow/orange thing. It's normally located on an enemy's back/ass/forehead. If a sustained assault yields unsatisfactory results, try attacking it with the last weapon you picked up. That normally works a treat.
6. Be an expert in the work of one particular developer besides Miyamoto
Support the people that make the games you love. Pick a team. Find a hero. Whether it's an entire studio or just a single creative. Get excited about the games they make. Know their history and what they're about. Hunt out their gameography. Get informed. We're sure Mr Shig stuff won't mind if some of the love gets spread around.
7. Beat a really bastard hard game on any tier of difficulty higher than Normal
Real men play on MASOCHIST!
8. Estimate remaining PSP battery life and calculate device's lastability on journey
If you've gone to all the trouble of uploading an extensive selection of softcore pornography to your PSP in advance of a business trip, it can be hugely upsetting to run out of juice before you've even had a chance to make yourself tired in the airplane convenience.
9. Play driving games without 'steering' the controller
Unless you're a girl. Then you can't help it.
10. Become unhealthily obsessed with one particular game and play only that game for six months solid
Winners don't quit. They become addicts.
11. Instantly recognise any game being played on a TV show or in a movie
Computer Space in Jaws, Asteroid Deluxe in The Thing, Galaga in Trains, Planes and Automobiles, Centipede in Never Say Never Again, the sound-fx of Pac-Man in Ferris Bueller's Day Off... plenty more here.
12. Easily spot at least 5 differences between any PS3 and 360 comparison shots, that are invisible to the normal human eye
You're looking for things like lighting, texture resolution, draw distance, anything pink or slightly gay, lumps or growths etc.
13. Expertly pick the right game for the right moment
You might think your sozzled post-pub friends are having an absolute party huddled around your monitor watching you level up in World of Warcraft. But they're not.
14. Be able to navigate to the 'Invert? Yes/No' option in under 5 seconds
Pause. Controller Options. Invert Yes/No. Unpause.
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16. Instinctively know the location of all controller buttons and their respective numerical, alphabetical or symbol-based denominations
When playing, a real gamer never has to look at the controller. Unless it's to check that it's not on fire.
17. Perfectly repackage console/PC snugly back in its box, complete with Styrofoam and cable ties
Put those ninja-honed Tetris skills to good use.
18. Make in-game moral choices quickly and without flinching
Stop being such a lightweight and kill the Little Sister already. We're pretty sure God doesn't take make-believe evil into account when deciding who gets locked out.
19. Have a selection of "I only lost because..." excuses prepared and rehearsed in the event of defeat
Here's a few for free: "...I couldn't take my eyes off your lap"; ...I hurt my fingers when your mum sat on them"; "...Satan told me to"; "...I was a victim of sexism" and so on.
20. Own non-gaming friends at absolutely anything
You've never played the game before. The pad's missing buttons. You've got amoebic dysentery and you can feel a hairy-ass spider crawling across your face. So what? When you're up against a newbie there is no excuse for anything less than comprehensive ownership.
21. Perform tea-bagging like a pro
Don't bang away like a demented pneumatic penis. Get rhythm. Tea-bagging is an art - as our own educational video reminds us.
22. Immediately know what to dump when your inventory is full
Don't know what to drop after the Goblin's Cleaver of Apathy made you over encumbumbered? Stop being a massive tool and just relinquish some of the unused crap you've been pointlessly clinging on to for the last 30 hours.
23. Engage in the 'Are games art?' debate without sounding like a pretentious twat or a moronic dumbass
Find the middle-ground between this:
"I think you'll actually find that videogames are a post-modern expression of individualism while simultaneously collectivising its digital form and manifesting as abstract interactive entertainment."
And this: "Art is for pussies. I just want to kill make-believe people."
24. Always spot the 'hidden area'
Remember: nothing screams "HIDDEN AREA!" louder than a cracked wall.
25. Gather enough tech speak to make it sound like you know how to make games better than developers themselves
"Sure, they might have nailed the anisotropic and bilinear filtering, but you can unzip me like a banana if the Cartesian coordinates and phong shading aren't an absolute bucket of wank." Smart sounding development speak makes you superior. This site is a good place to start.
26. Memorise enemy/item spawn points
Want to know how tHE dEfec8or is always smoking your ass with the rocket launcher? It's because he's all over the longitude and latitude of those maps, and he's snorting up the coordinates of every spawn point and he knows exactly what it'll spawn and he knows exactly when it'll spawn it. It's called dedication and that's why tHE dEfec8or is a winner.
27. Complete unlocking/defusing mini-games first time, every time
Should be like making Einstein recite his five times table.
28. To never be suckered by game store offers pimping crappy games and shitty third party peripherals
An Hour of Victory and Turning Point: Fall of Liberty bundle for 40 notes with a TatTech controller thrown in for free is not a bargain, it's a piss-take.
29. Be condescending, patronising and impatient when playing with non-gamers
Alternatively, feign kindness and offer to show them "how to do it". Once you've got the controller, never give it back.
30. Be shit-faced drunk and still be able to rock at Guitar Hero or other popular party game
Preferably be able to keep getting more drunker while playing.
31. Bluff your way through a conversation about a retro game you never actually played
Don't ever admit to having not played some geriatric, incontinent piece of gaming history that some rose-tinted retrosexual is eulogising. Just fudge your way through. It's not hard: "Geoff Spectacles and the Subatomic Android Invaders on the Vic-20? Of course I played it! That was the one with the monochrome 2D graphics and beepy sound effects wasn't it?"
32. Instantly identify enemy types by the sound they make
Don't stop with enemies. Utilise your ears as nature intended and recognise weapons, vehicles, power-ups, score multipliers... anything at all with the amazing power of hearing.
33. Confidently guess what a developer's secret project/unannounced title is
If all else fails, predict Shenmue 3.
34. Passionately champion at least one obscure game that nobody has ever heard of and win it some new fans
Ever heard of Warriors of Elysia? It's the long overdue sequel to Bikini Karate Babes. We're sure it's going to be awesome.
35. Get the highest possible rank/medal/award in any tutorial level
Tutorial levels are weak and pathetic. An insult to proper gamers, they're a monumental mismatch on the same scale as a bare-knuckles brawl to the death between Chuck Norris and Barbara Bush.
